The other side of this impasse is connection. For you, your father and stepmother are family who can love your child, carry history and childhood stories, and offer a potentially fond and meaningful generational bond. Your husband, on the other hand, given his more distant relationship with his own parents, might have less desire to nurture challenging family relationships.
It’s OK to navigate distance differently with your respective parents — you’re closer with yours than he is with his. But while distance from family members is sometimes necessary, it generally comes with wide-ranging consequences, and what’s key here is that your son will have had no agency in this decision and therefore those consequences. What will it be like for him when, throughout his childhood, he’ll hear about the fun his friends are having with their grandparents — sleepovers, rituals, traditions, holidays, travel, Grandparents’ Day at school? Then there’s the ripple effect this will have on you: Estranging your son from your father and stepmother will most likely lead to their estrangement from you, a loss that might be too much for you (and your marriage) to bear.
Keeping your son from his grandparents neither protects nor connects, but giving him access does both. You can, of course, attempt to set some ground rules. If visits veer into ideological territory that makes time together tense, you can say to your father and stepmother something like: “We so enjoy being with you and watching you spend time with your grandson. Because we don’t agree on politics and want these visits to be pleasant, we’d like to avoid sharing political opinions when we’re together.”
They might be fine with this; most people want to steer clear of conflict, especially when visiting with a grandchild. But even if they feel the need to say something you find objectionable, you can model the values of respect and restraint for your son: “I don’t agree. I guess we think differently about this.” Then move on to another topic.
Remember that parenting isn’t about constructing a frictionless fortress. It’s about equipping a child to move through a messy, contradictory world with thoughtfulness, resilience and empathy. And sometimes, the first lesson in that might come from watching his parents wrestle with their differences with their own parents — with love, kindness and, above all, flexibility.
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