Words of Encouragement for Students: What to Say Instead

Vicki Davis (00:00): Which well-meaning phrase sounds encouraging, but makes a struggling teen pull away? And when you can tell a student is struggling and they won’t talk, what’s the encouraging thing to say? Today we’re talking about words of encouragement for students who are struggling, in the student voice of someone who sat in our classrooms not too long ago.

This is Motivational Monday, Episode 1016.

John Davis (00:29): This is the 10 Minute Teacher Podcast with your host, Vicki Davis.

Vicki Davis (00:33): Today we’re talking with Lawrence C. Harris. When Lawrence was 13, his father disowned him. He’d already survived more than most kids should ever have to.

He was afraid to be seen and unsure of himself, but today he stands in front of thousands of students telling them the one thing he needed to hear back then. Your past does not get to decide your future. Lawrence is a youth speaker, a teen author, and he’s here to help us reach students who are struggling right now. Lawrence, thanks for coming on the show.

Lawrence C. Harris (01:08): Of course, it’s great to be here.

Vicki Davis (01:09): So take me back to 13. What was going on in your life then, and what did you need most that you were not getting?

What does a struggling teenager need most from the adults around them?

Lawrence C. Harris (01:20): Well, there was a lot that was happening in my life at 13. At the age of 12, my dad became abusive to me and my younger siblings. Being the oldest, you want to protect them, but not much you can do.

13, he disowns me in front of a church.

Vicki Davis (01:36): Wow.

Lawrence C. Harris (01:37): So my mental health was spiraling down. And the one thing I needed most at that time was just a feeling of hope and a feeling that I’m understood.

Vicki Davis (01:49): How did you act in the classroom at the time?

How do struggling students act in class when they won’t ask for help?

Lawrence C. Harris (01:52): A lot more quiet, but also pretending to be happy. Just because it gave me a distraction from what I was actually dealing with.

Vicki Davis (02:03): So were there any adults in your life who helped you?

Lawrence C. Harris (02:07): There were plenty. I had a therapist. My mom did her best to help me.

I had teachers who I never really told them what was going on, but they had a feeling and they tried to help. But sometimes as young people, we push people away because we’re scared to admit how we truly feel.

Vicki Davis (02:24): So let’s fast forward your story a little bit. You didn’t want to be seen, so you retreated. But now you’re on stage telling your story.

What is that story, and why do you think it’s resonating with students?

Lawrence C. Harris (02:39): Well, the core of that story is simply that no matter what you’ve been through, you can move forward. Because when you have people who are bullying you, that’s one thing. But when it’s the people that are supposed to protect you, that’s a lot deeper.

It really can do a lot to your feeling of self-worth, your feeling of, am I even lovable? It does a lot to you. And a big reason why I openly share it now is because when you learn to stop being afraid of your past and you embrace that happened, but I can keep moving forward, it resonates with a lot of people.

Because even though a young person may have not gone through the exact same things I did, they can see similarities. They can see that if he was able to move forward, so can I.

Can hunger or a lack of resources show up as behavior problems at school?

Lawrence C. Harris (03:33): And that transfers into things like a lot of young people today, they might not tell you, but they could be struggling with not only issues with their family at home, but issues with lack of food, lack of water, lack of resources, and it comes out as behavioral disruptions and as these things. So by me sharing my story, it resonates with them because they know that it’s possible.

Vicki Davis (04:03): Lawrence, you are a person of worth. I’m glad that you have pulled through to tell your story, but it still doesn’t make all those things that happened to you okay. I’m sorry. We can’t minimize what happened to you. And you are a person of worth.

So what’s your message to the kid right now who’s in that moment? And what are the things that we teachers can say that will help students know that, hey, you are important, you do matter, and help students? Because the messages we teachers send need to be the messages that help kids know they matter more than what we’re teaching.

We want them to understand their own value.

What can a teacher say to a student who is struggling right now?

Lawrence C. Harris (04:44): One thing I would say to the student who’s in that place right now is start small. Start with the simple things like as cliche as it is, making your bed, it gets the day off to a good start. Brushing your teeth. You don’t need to move the entire mountain all at once.

You just need to move one pebble every day and eventually you make a tunnel and you see the light on the other side. As cliche as that phrase is, it’s true. Because it can feel like you’re trying to do everything all at once, but you just have to do one small thing every day.

What helps a struggling student feel a little better?

Lawrence C. Harris (05:20): Other advice that you can give them is encourage them to find things that they like. Find things they like about themselves. Find things they like doing.

Just find things they enjoy. Because when it feels like everything is falling apart in your life, making a painting or making a song or football practice, these things that just make you feel a little bit happier, that can genuinely save a child’s life.

Vicki Davis (05:52): So, Lawrence, what are some things that you wish that maybe teachers would not have said to you that you think this wasn’t a good thing to say?

What phrases should teachers avoid saying to a struggling teen?

Lawrence C. Harris (06:01): I never had a teacher that said this to me, but unfortunately I’ve had family members, was this idea that it’s not that bad or you’re just a teenager or you’re just being emotional. Sometimes saying you’re just being emotional, even if you don’t mean for it to be, to that child, it feels like you are completely invalidating their pain. It feels as if you’re saying that because I’m young, my feelings don’t matter.

And that can really make a child retreat deeper and deeper and deeper into their pain. Another thing that I can look back and see that teachers have said to me even if they meant well by it, was just be happy or just cheer up. I can’t. You can’t just be happy.

Telling someone who is struggling or telling someone who is obviously going through a hard time to just be happy, you need to show them, okay, what is something they can do? How can I start making progress? Like, I feel lost. Help me find the way.

So I would say that was a really big one for me.

Vicki Davis (07:16): What are the things to say?

What should a teacher say when a student won’t talk about what’s wrong?

Lawrence C. Harris (07:18): I’m here for you. If you want to tell me you can, but I’m not going to make you, I’m going to really dig into that a bit. Because you don’t want that person to feel pressure to tell you.

You don’t want that person to feel forced to tell you. You want to respect their freedom and their autonomy to come to you when they’re ready.

When does a teacher have to report signs of abuse?

Lawrence C. Harris (07:41): Now, of course, if there’s obvious signs like that child is coming in with black eyes and bruises and things like that, you know, you’re legally required to report that as a mandated reporter. But if that child is simply, you know, less talkative or there’s things like that, let them know I’m here for you. You can tell me if you want to.

Or if you don’t want to tell me personally, if the school has one, go to the guidance counselor. You can tell the support staff or the resource officer, whatever your school has available. You can also suggest to them things that might help them to cheer up.

So, hey, what do you like to do for fun? Encourage them to find some hobbies, find some things to make them feel a bit better when they don’t know how to deal with their problems.

Vicki Davis (08:34): So, Lawrence, I’m curious, how did you go from 13-year-old total heartbreak and devastation to 20-year-old keynoter helping students with a message that kids are saying, hey, this is helping me? How did you get where you are now?

How do young people turn their lives around after hard times?

Lawrence C. Harris (08:50): Well, obviously, there was a lot of people who helped me. There was a lot of events that happened, and there was a lot of therapy and journaling and different practices I did to get here. But the biggest thing was I made a decision. I looked at my life and how it was going and said, okay, my room is filthy.

I am not taking care of myself. I had gone weeks without showering or brushing my teeth. I just looked at my life and said, okay, is it the path I want to keep going down?

No, it is not. I have to do the work. Yes, I had people who are helping me and supporting me, but I have to do the thing my therapist tells me.

I have to clean my room. I have to start. And I made the decision that I was going to get better one way or another.

I looked at things such as my younger siblings and said, what’s the example I want to set for them? And I started to be the example. I started to do the work.

But it really just started with the decision to get better.

Vicki Davis (09:52): So, Lawrence, what is one thing a teacher could do this week to help a struggling student feel truly seen?

What is one easy thing a teacher can do this week to help a struggling student feel seen?

Lawrence C. Harris (09:59): I’m aware that teachers are already under a lot of pressure with managing potentially hundreds of students per day. So I want to think of something that’s easy. As small as this sounds, greet people.

Ask them about their day. Give them something that excites them. So it could be as simple as at the start of class, if possible, just ask someone if they want to share about their weekend. And every day you could pick a new person, whoever wants to volunteer.

It will give them something to look forward to.

Vicki Davis (10:32): Lawrence, how do people find you on YouTube?

Lawrence C. Harris (10:35): My YouTube channel is Lawrence C Empowers. You can find my website and everything else related to me by just Googling Lawrence C. Harris.

Vicki Davis (10:45): Lawrence, you have your whole life ahead of you. I hope that you continue to encourage and that you continue to grow and to learn. Thanks for coming on the show, Lawrence.

John Davis (10:55): Thank you for tuning in to the 10 Minute Teacher Podcast. Join us here every weekday and subscribe to the Classroom Matters newsletter. See you later, educator. Thank you.